


pull me close and tell me (that you think i'm so pretty)

by handholding (hoesthetic)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Androgynous Yoon Jeonghan, Boys in Skirts, M/M, Public Blow Jobs, Self-Discovery, jeonghan is powerful in bralettes and skirts and joshua is confused also very weak & gay—the fic, lapslock, toxic masculinity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 09:19:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14329341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoesthetic/pseuds/handholding
Summary: pretty means delicate beauty. the rays of sunlight cross jeonghan’s face, making him squint and smile, and joshua realizes how pretty it is—how pretty he is.





	pull me close and tell me (that you think i'm so pretty)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [angelhyung](https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelhyung/gifts).



> cw for alcohol  
> this is written 20% because ive wanted to explore this topic for a while & 80% because of jamie. ofc bc im awfully trash & whipped for him. like no homo but i love u. thank u for helping me out with this, i appreciate it so much, and thank u for getting me into seventeen & just... being the best i could ask for. ew sentimental. hannie & i both love u terribly.

 

growing up, joshua was always the quiet kid.

instead of yelling in the class, throwing paper airplanes around and arguing back to teachers, he shied away in the corner seat, drawing doodles on his notebooks. he was never great at drawing either, so the pictures were mostly smileys, flowers, small things that didn’t require any talent.

he had friends, of course, playing with the neighbourhood kids at a playground near to his house. joshua was never the one to yell or scream but he did run and hide, or whatever the rules of their games were.

joshua and his friends, they were playing tag when it happened. nothing dramatic or extraordinary—he fell over, landed on the rocky ground. quite harshly for a nine year old boy, ending up with his knee busted open, fat trails of tears rolling down his chubby cheeks.

boys don’t cry, he learned that day. joshua understood that with his mother’s face flushed by the embarrassment. how could a nine year old sob like a baby at a public playground?

back then, joshua didn’t really understand it. he isn’t too sure if he understands it at twenty years old, either.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

college parties are both a blessing and a devil in disguise, he thinks.

joshua doesn’t hate them, not at all. it’s a part of the experience, an easy way to socialize, laugh at students who got too drunk and embarrass themselves in ways unimaginable.

but he doesn’t love them either. getting drunk is alright even though it kicks him in the ass the following morning in a shape of a massive hangover. sometimes the crowd is too loud, too invasive and he gets uncomfortable, an obnoxious itch on his skin.

but they’re fun. that’s it in a nutshell.

“where’s cheol?” someone whisper-yells to joshua’s ear where he is standing by the kitchen island, trying to screw the cork of a wine bottle open. he jolts slightly, not having expected someone to basically press against his side and drunkenly speak into his ear.

“what?” he turns around, kind of shaken. when he recognizes the person, joshua rolls his eyes with a small groan, looking at jeonghan exaggeratedly unamused. he is standing so close. so awfully close that it makes joshua’s heartbeat pick up and run.

“where’s cheol?” jeonghan repeats, slower this time, stressing each syllable. his cheeks are flushed, a stupid grin on his lips, of course still managing to look good.

“dunno,” joshua shrugs his shoulders, “i’m not sure if he even came here.”

he’s not close with his roommate even though they do get along. they never really had the chance to bond—sort of odd considering that they live with each other but it seems like they’re always in different places, always busy with something else.

“right,” jeonghan replies. joshua turns around to continue battling with the wine bottle, palms sore from the harsh grip he had on the bottle opener. even the glass isn’t cooling against his hands, the wine inside it lukewarm from not having been in a fridge.

“need a hand?” jeonghan asks. after a brief moment of thought, joshua shakes his head. he’s not exactly sure that the other one could manage to open it if he can’t, especially in his drunken state.

“it’s ok,” joshua tells him, fiddling with it and thankfully, it doesn’t take too long before he manages to get it open. jeonghan makes a quiet cheer next to him, still standing awfully too close for joshua’s own comfort and sanity.

he lifts the bottle, taking a sip. the taste is dull and sweet, and sort of gross. joshua is on a budget so he can’t really complain, swallowing the liquid with holding his breath.

joshua turns around, careful not to slosh his wine over the edge. he scans over jeonghan as subtly as he can but he isn’t sure if he manages with it—joshua just hopes the other one doesn’t notice.

he looks good. it’s not a surprise, not really, because joshua is pretty convinced that looking ugly isn’t an expression in jeonghan’s vocabulary.

he looks good but—but joshua shudders from the thought. jeonghan is wearing a sheer blouse with something that looks like a bralette underneath, ripped jeans and red shiny ankle boots. joshua stares at them with the thought of _no wonder that jeonghan seemed taller than usual, he’s wearing heels for fuck’s sake._

joshua shudders because he feels guilty for feeling uncomfortable. he shudders because his first thought before thinking that he looks good is how boys shouldn’t wear heels, or bralettes. especially bralettes.

the thought is brief, fleeting. sometimes joshua forgets it and then it just catches him off guard.

“eyes up here,” jeonghan says with laughter laced in his voice. joshua’s gaze snaps up, face morphing into an apologetic smile, painfully awkward.

“sorry,” he laughs and if jeonghan notices the forced tone of it, he doesn’t comment on it. he probably doesn’t even care.

jeonghan is sort of extraordinary, that’s the only way for him to put it. joshua knows what crushes feel like, all giddy and good nervous swirling in his stomach, the corners of his lips tugged upwards, imagines of held hands and a cupid’s bow traced with a fingertip before kissing someone.

jeonghan suggests that they go to the living room where the other people are instead of hanging around in the kitchen and joshua agrees. jeonghan's heels make a clacking noise against the floor as he walks, rhythmic and sort of pleasant to his ears. 

joshua follows the other one across the kitchen and hallway until they get to the room, way more crowded and loud. the music is blasting on volume too high that it almost makes joshua’s head hurt.

the lights are dim. it looks like there should be smoke in the air and red lights, stained lipstick, lots of kissing.

jeonghan slumps down to a couch that’s quite cramped already. joshua stares down at it for a while, considering whether he should squeeze between to jeonghan and the armrest, or just avoid the hassle and sit down on the floor.

“sit on my lap,” jeonghan says. it takes a while for joshua to process what he said, furrowing his brows with mild confusion.

“what?” he’s asking him to repeat, again. jeonghan rolls his eyes.

“sit on my lap,” he tells him, well articulated despite being drunk, patting his thighs and smiling widely. joshua swallows, mouth suddenly too dry, taking a sip of his wine.

it would be all fine if he didn’t have a massive, embarrassing crush on jeonghan.

“uh,” joshua says dumbly, staring at him with his lips parted the tiniest bit. jeonghan pats his thighs again, nodding in encouragement, so joshua decides _fuck it_ and plops down to his lap. carefully though, not wanting to crush him.

“well done,” jeonghan tells him. it’s horrible, so so horrible, because he mutters it against his neck, warm breath ghosting over his skin. jeonghan puts his hands on his waist, a completely unnecessary move, palms splayed over the fabric of his sweater so nicely joshua feels like dying.

it’s so difficult to concentrate on anything else and it gets worse with every second passing. joshua begins to get hyperaware of it all, the way jeonghan’s thighs feels under his butt, the weight of his palms, his radiating body warmth, the air of his breath everytime he opens his mouth.

joshua tries not to think about how jeonghan’s crotch is literally under him, mostly because it’s horribly inappropriate and would get him into very embarrassing situations, even more embarrassing than this.

he can’t sit still or comfortably, jeonghan is probably too drunk to notice or care. joshua lifts his bottle to take a gulp of it, then another one, and another until he’s just chugging it down. jeonghan notices this, nudging him.

“gimme some,” he mumbles. joshua glances him over his shoulder. perhaps it’s a mistake because the other one is looking at him expectantly, mischievous smile on his lips, and joshua couldn’t resist even if he wanted to. he passes him the bottle.

“thanks,” jeonghan breathes out, drinking from the bottle. joshua watches and if it’s inappropriate, at least he can mentally use the excuse of waiting to get his wine.

dramatized, jeonghan bends his head back a bit when he drinks, thin fingers curled around the bottle neck. his dark hair framing his face moves aside too, exposing more of annoyingly perfect face. at least he has a pimple by his jawbone so joshua isn’t too bitter.

he isn’t bitter at all, really. jeonghan’s adam’s apple bobs as he swallows the wine, joshua swallows too, nervously.

joshua gets his wine bottle back quickly enough and he’s not sure if the dizziness is from the alcohol or just jeonghan.

he thinks jeonghan should keep his hair in a ponytail so joshua wouldn’t get distracted by how smooth it looks all the time, messily falling to his shoulders.

jeonghan’s hands fall back to his waist and joshua doesn’t really know why.

he hopes that it means something.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

three months ago, when joshua had met him for the first time, he had been wearing skinny jeans.

black ones, those with rips in the knees, and thick belt. a baby pink t-shirt with japanese on it tucked in those jeans as well. jeonghan had his hair in a ponytail, flowing smoothly between his shoulder blades when he turned around.

jeonghan had looked good, so incredibly handsome, joshua had been swept off his feet immediately. it’s probably kind of embarrassing to get starstruck by your childhood friend’s roommate, so if that’s the case—then joshua is embarrassing. that’s what happened anyway.

joshua had felt small, almost flustered, casually shaking his hand as he introduced himself. he had heard about jeonghan from seokmin before, of course he had, when the boy kept grinning and calling himself _jeonghan’s fool_ or something similar to that—degrading but oddly endearing.

at that time, joshua had thought that his crush was something small, a brief infatuation that would pass by as their friendship grew stronger. it never did. if jeonghan had only been handsome, it would have been easier, but he was also funny and witty, smart and opinionated.

 

the next time joshua had met him he had been wearing a skirt.

a white tennis skirt with a navy blue stripe on the hem, sneakers and a black slightly cropped hoodie. jeonghan had his hair open, falling over his collarbones that were covered in any case.

his initial reaction was confusion and it probably showed on his face when jeonghan laughed loudly—what an odd laugh—and asked if he liked his legs. joshua had been speechless. unfortunately it hadn’t been from amazement or interest.

rather a bitter acid taste in his mouth alongside of thoughts filled with all sorts of questions. joshua had brushed it off, he had come to seokmin and jeonghan’s dorm room to study together and suddenly leaving would have been awfully obvious. so he stayed.

(and joshua stayed many times after that despite conflicted thoughts and feelings caused by multiple things.)

joshua had asked seokmin about it after their second meeting.

“jeonghan identifies as a male, right?” hesitantly and nervously. seokmin had looked at him in thought with his almond eyes before smiling brightly and telling that _yes, he does, just like you._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

what doesn’t help joshua’s conflicted yet incredibly sappy crush, is how seokmin makes jokes about being his and jeonghan’s son all the time. it’s mostly small comments but it seems to make him happy and delighted so joshua never tells him to quit it.

their friend group consists of six people, joshua included. him, jeonghan, seokmin, seokmin’s boyfriend soonyoung, junhui, and sometimes jihoon if he feels like it.  

joshua is happy with that, all of them being nice people and fun to be around even though some of them tend to get overly excited and loud. it makes his head ache bit, an unpleasant nag on his skull, knocking sound.

they’re at a cafe, the five of them because jihoon had decided that he’s too busy for his friends, sitting in a booth. they barely fit there, thighs pressed against each other and shoulders knocking together from time to time.

joshua taps his fingertips against the white porcelain of his cup, the coffee inside half finished. it’s gone a bit lukewarm and when he lifts it to take a sip, he grimaces a little. bitterness and sugar don’t go well together when it’s not cold nor hot.

he hears someone laugh at his expression, making joshua smile shortly at himself, too.

jeonghan is sitting opposite him, looking wonderful as always. next to him is seokmin, leaning his head on jeonghan’s shoulder in the intimate, cuddly manner. he can’t deny that it is adorable even though he’d very much like to be in seokmin’s place.

it’s not like he is jealous, no. joshua doesn’t like that sort of feelings, finding them a bit possessive and almost rude. it’s just a brief, hopeful thought.

joshua drops his gaze to his lap soon enough, dark blue jeans contrasting against the cream leather seat of the coffee shop, squeaking everytime someone moves.

they’re talking loudly and joshua is sort of spacing out, the usual.

he has been spacing out a lot more lately. joshua isn’t exactly sure if it’s because of his studies and the awful stress that comes from them, or if it’s something else completely—like jeonghan and the edges of masculinity and femininity.

joshua doesn’t want to consider himself as conservative but it feels scarily similar to that. the way people dress is none of his business as long as it’s not hurtful and yet, he gets uncomfortable over the thought, still.

especially the thought of liking it.

as a child he had been told that legos are for boys and barbies are for girls when joshua wanted to play with dolls with his cousin. joshua can’t help but think about how he’s not allowed to like it. it makes him sweaty, nervous and uncomfortable.

it’s stressful and joshua, desperately, wants it to end.

“shua,” he hears a frustrated call of his name. he looks up from his lap, back with that apologetic expression that has become a bit too regular on his face.

“sorry,” joshua laughs softly, “missed it.”

“who’s surprised?” soonyoung asks with a snicker. no one says anything at all, just to prove his point and tease joshua, and he continues with, “exactly.”

joshua doesn’t comment on it, just sighs quietly.

“you should pay attention, it’s rude,” junhui nudges his side. just for the dramatics, joshua doesn’t push back or even try to keep his balance, so he starts leaning to left. it’s the window that catches him from falling off his seat.

he feels sort of tired, exhausted somewhere within his bone marrow and biology.

“i said i’m sorry,” joshua kicks junhui’s leg underneath the table, making him jolt fairly harshly. it causes a wave of laughter in their group and joshua can tell jeonghan’s voice apart way too easily. loud, strange laugh that sounds like _ha ha ha._

“what did i miss then?” joshua asks once the sound has quieted down. there’s a cheesy pop song playing in the cafe, bad speakers with the audio strained. the background noise of other customers is just a pleasant buzz he isn’t paying attention to.

“you were getting compliments,” seokmin fills him in with what he had missed, “they were—not me—wondering how you’re still single. because you are, you know, a looker.”

joshua laughs dryly, folding his hands in his lap. he tries not to look at jeonghan but it’s a weak attempt, it turns out, because he steals a quick glance of him.

jeonghan’s expression is unreadable but not unhappy, nothing close to negative, joshua doesn’t quite just get it. perhaps there’s something expectant about it.

it’s a nice day, really. the sun is shining, rays of light falling to the spacious area of the coffee shop. golden tones of colour on the wooden table, joshua’s stare falls to look at them instead of jeonghan’s expression.

“a looker, huh?” joshua asks. he doesn’t think he’s ugly, not at all, but he wouldn’t consider himself a _looker_ of all things. he’s rather average with his black hair, mediocre style consisting of sweaters and jeans.

“yeah, you’re pretty as hell,” soonyoung states as if it’s a proven fact.

“pretty?” joshua asks. boys aren’t pretty, is that even a compliment? he chews on his lower lip.

“yes, pretty, you headass,” junhui says next to him. joshua hates it—how the wave of discomfort sweeps over him.

“i’m—i’m not,” joshua almost stutters, barely catching himself. he doesn’t even get to continue when jeonghan narrows his eyes with disbelief.

“you _are_ pretty, shua. handsome, attractive, you know the drill,” jeonghan says and all of it sounds so much lovelier from his lips, with his voice. joshua is awfully whipped. what he should do is thank him, thank others as well, smile and maybe get a bit flustered for the effect.

“boys can’t be pretty,” he blurts out instead, regretting it immediately—so painfully unlike him that it makes his cheeks heat up. joshua isn’t like this, he can’t be like this. always collected and calm but now making himself such a fool.

joshua coughs, looking at the table in embarrassment.

“i mean,” he tries to fix the situation. it’s not even that bad, the others are just looking at him with confused, sort of amused, expressions. he swallows.

“you don’t think i’m pretty?” jeonghan asks. he doesn’t look actually offended or upset, the tone of his voice purposely sad, looking at him with a small pout. he hears seokmin bark out a loud laugh.

“no—like, you’re attractive,” joshua explains. it’s so unusual for him to feel flustered over something like this, discomfort worsening, “just… boys shouldn’t be pretty, right?” he finishes with a smaller voice.

he feels like a massive idiot, shifting in his seat. junhui puts his hand on his knee reassuringly.

“why not?” jeonghan asks. he lifts his hand to move some stray hairs behind his ear, hair shining, _for fuck’s sake,_ under the sunlight.

joshua licks his lips.

“i don’t know,” he says. it’s a lie because in his mind he says it, it’s because prettiness means delicate and fragile beauty, and men aren’t supposed to be that.

men are supposed to be strong, handsome, masculine, leaders.

but then again—joshua isn’t too sure if he fits in those categories even though he has been trying to for all of his life.

“you’re pretty, shua,” seokmin says softly, smiling brightly. he truly has the brightest smile, eyes crescents, “jeonghan is too, and junhui. soonyoung isn’t,” the said boy hits seokmin’s shoulder, “there’s nothing wrong with it, you know?”

joshua laughs awkwardly. he feels stupid, like a child being educated.

“yeah,” he mutters, not sure if he believes these things. the atmosphere seems to have dropped a bit to something heavier, uncomfortable, and joshua doesn’t like it at all. thankfully jeonghan saves the situation by switching the subject to something else.

pretty means delicate beauty. the rays of sunlight cross jeonghan’s face, making him squint and smile, and joshua realizes how pretty it is—how pretty he is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

maybe the crucial thing was for joshua to hear it aloud. the turning point, sort of. it’s not like once he heard it from seokmin’s mouth—there’s nothing wrong for boys to be pretty—that he suddenly changed.

very much like as a child, when he heard from his mother’s mouth how boys shouldn’t cry, it imprinted in his mind and left a hazy but strong smelling picture. it smelled bitter, obnoxious, bad, bad, bad.

the picture seokmin’s words left smells like morning air, cinnamon and lavender—fresh and comforting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

joshua thinks about it unnecessarily much.

or maybe it’s not unnecessary at all. maybe it’s something he needs to do, to think about it and really, really wonder why he feels the way he does.

it doesn’t leave his mind, is the point it all comes down to.

of course, the borders lining masculinity and femininity aren’t everything he thinks about. studying is on his mind, mostly, alongside with the honey sweet thoughts of jeonghan and ordinary things as well that don’t feel very important to him.

he’s sitting on jeonghan’s bed, an appropriate distance between them. they’ve been dancing around that sort of things, distances and skinship. jeonghan has always—or at least the time they have known each other—been a type to initiate touch.

but joshua thinks jeonghan touches him a bit more, casually, comfortably, putting his arm around his shoulders, hugging him behind, putting his hand on joshua’s thigh. nothing as extreme as asking him to sit on his lap. joshua isn’t sure if he’s relieved or disappointed.

joshua slumps against the wall, his palms beneath his thighs. his hands tend to get cold so it’s a great way of keeping them warm.

across the room seokmin’s bed is neatly made even though there’s a few books on it, messily spread around.

”you’ve been acting strange,” jeonghan says. the way he speaks it, it’s firm, a non judgemental statement. straightforward and very him—he speaks like that, in ways that are hard to forget.

it makes joshua run cold, a bit nervous. he laughs but it carries the awkward tone.

he had come over just to hang out, talk and chew on unhealthy snacks. they had talked, mostly about small, relevant and irrelevant things, like bees and midterms. being around jeonghan is so effortless, talking to him is easy, being silent with him is comfortable.

“what do you mean?” joshua asks calmly.

jeonghan turns on the bed to face him. his knees knock against the side of joshua’s thigh, looking at him intensely.

the shade of his eyes isn’t dark or dull but jeonghan manages to carry that sort of subtle intensity, power, almost. it’s very intriguing.

he’s so _pretty,_ angel faced, but the way he carries himself isn’t fragile, barely delicate. joshua should stop getting stuck on terms and words and focus on tangible things.

jeonghan is mesmerizing, extraordinary.

joshua forgets to speak.

his gaze softens when he most likely catches on joshua’s staring, soft smile tugging his lips. it’s gentle.

it’s disgustingly cliché, the way the sun is shining from the window somewhere behind jeonghan, his hair tied to a messy bun, making him look not human at all. something divine.

joshua isn’t exactly sure when he became so sappy, either.

“hey,” jeonghan says softly. he blinks, slowly. he is so close and it’d be so easy for joshua just to lean in and kiss him, gently, softly, afraid to break the atmosphere, to wake up from a dream.

he doesn’t do that.

“hey,” joshua says. he isn’t sure what they’re doing, hands still underneath his thighs even with his head turned to jeonghan. joshua doesn’t get an answer to his question because then—

“i like you,” jeonghan blurts out.

it takes a few seconds for joshua to process what he just said. he blinks once, then again, parting his lips to say something at all but all that comes out is a shaky exhale.

“you what?” joshua says after a brief moment of silence. conflicted and complex feelings have made friends with him the past few months so it’s not really a surprise that something is swirling underneath his sternum again. he should have seen it coming but just—not now.

it’s overwhelming.

“i like you,” jeonghan laughs. he doesn’t seem afraid, nervous of rejection, even though he probably is. joshua has figured it out, the way how the other man manages to make everything look effortless and easy, like he doesn’t care.

because jeonghan must have seen joshua’s discomfort at times. he isn’t that oblivious—he’s smart, very. joshua hopes he has noticed the improvement too, how he has grown with thinking and thinking even though he has a lot to learn, still.

so joshua thinks jeonghan doesn’t care, he can’t afford to.

“oh,” joshua breathes out, “i like you too.”

it’s simple and easy, no fancy words or descriptions of beauty, no comparisons of jeonghan’s hands to a home. just a simple _i like you._ that’s all joshua can say.

jeonghan blinks before straightening his posture. his knees are still pressed against his thighs, the fabric of his grey sweatpants straining there.

“i almost thought you’d reject me,” jeonghan tells him but there’s a happy smile on his face. joshua smiles back at him, pulling his hands from beneath his thighs since they have gone numb, placing one on jeonghan’s thigh.

“i could never,” joshua grins, baring some teeth, “you’re just too pretty.”

jeonghan feigns an offended face.

“you only like me for my looks, huh?” he scoffs, leaning further away. joshua laughs loudly, brightly, chest so awfully warm, heart fluttering. he is so dumb—everything is so dumb.

it feels calming. like the puzzle pieces he couldn’t match are falling where they are supposed to. it feels like belonging, it feels _right._ also ridiculously sappy and joshua feels foolish for it but it’s not actually that horrible.

“yeah, you’re right,” joshua tells him, smile almost hurting his cheeks. jeonghan snorts dryly, pushing joshua with enough strength for him to fall to his side on the bed.

“you’re awful,” he tells the other one, pushing himself up back to a sitting position. jeonghan wiggles his brows before winking sleazily.

“you like it,” jeonghan states and really, joshua can’t deny it.

he’s so relieved. not only that there was no rejection but that they could just go back to acting normal, even if it only has been a few minutes. their friendship had been the priority for joshua, after all.

jeonghan sighs deeply, the same bright expression on his face, tilting his head.

“do you wanna, like, date me?” joshua decides to ask, just to make sure. they’re sitting close to each other, still, stares fixated.

“oh, of course,” jeonghan replies, “if you want to date me.”

“i do,” he huffs.

“we’re getting married already?”

“oh, fuck you,” and jeonghan winks—because he’s awful and a menace.

joshua still adores him though.

 

after some while, maybe from fifteen to twenty minutes, and joshua doesn’t feel as overwhelmed anymore, he’s sitting beside jeonghan and leaning his head on his shoulder. he found out that jeonghan has been crushing on him for quite a while and he had wanted to see how things would turn out.

luckily, they did turn out good. joshua also told him about his pining, even if it made his cheeks heat up the tiniest bit.

“can i kiss you now?” joshua asks, not the smoothest line, but jeonghan groans before telling him that _yes, please, that’d be great._

so joshua turns his head, neck straining uncomfortably. their noses brush before jeonghan opens his mouth again.

“this is uncomfortable,” he says, “like, not being close to you, but my neck hurts.”

joshua feels for him so he nods slowly, swallowing.

“sit on my lap,” jeonghan suggests, “wouldn’t be the first time.”

joshua laughs breathlessly. the other one is looking at him with that same mischievous face—he wasn’t planning for their first kiss to happen in a such suggestive position but then again, it sounds quite fitting.

joshua moves to his lap, carefully, this time facing jeonghan. he wonders if the other one had done it on purpose at that party those weeks ago, or had it been a month, or two?

jeonghan puts his palms on joshua’s waist. he can feel the warmth of them through his white t-shirt, guarding and present. the other one puckers his lips and makes a few obnoxious kissy sounds, drawing a laugh from joshua.

it’s not his first kiss, not at all, so it’s very strange for him to feel that small nervousness. it’s jeonghan’s fault.

and then, joshua decides _fuck it,_ again, and leans in.

it’s short, a brief touch of lips that turns into just smiling against each other’s mouths. they stay like that for a while, joshua’s hands on jeonghan’s shoulders, before one of them—joshua isn’t sure which one—decides to start kissing properly.

jeonghan pulls him closer, chest pressed against his. he likes kissing but he likes kissing jeonghan even more, joshua finds out, sighing pleasedly against the other one’s lips.

there’s tongue, there’s teeth, and it’s not really the most innocent first kiss, resembling more like making out. it feels really fucking great though so joshua isn’t complaining at all, enjoying the way jeonghan’s hands grip his waist tighter.

they pull apart after a while, joshua looking down at jeonghan with flushed cheeks and a smile.

“nice,” joshua mumbles, the other one nodding in agreement.

“i’ve wanted to do that for god knows how long,” he admits with no shame or whatsoever, joshua rolling his eyes.

“you could have,” he shrugs his shoulders, “so many people—friends—kiss each other drunk for example.”

“true, but you know, you’re special,” jeonghan says and despite the context, it’s so sweet and makes joshua’s heart skip a beat, “didn’t wanna confuse you or anything.”

joshua narrows his eyes, not exactly sure what jeonghan means by that.

“we could have talked about it afterwards,” he says.

“you sure ‘bout that?” and no, joshua isn’t. it’s pointless to argue over something hypothetical of the past, even though it’s not even arguing because both of them are taking it lightly, just throwing around ideas.

“no,” joshua admits, “i’ve wanted to kiss you for so long, you know.”

maybe it’s a bit embarrassing to say those things out loud but jeonghan said it so why couldn’t he? why wouldn’t he?

“good we’re on the same page,” jeonghan mumbles before moving his hand from joshua’s waist to his neck. he almost misses the weight of it immediately. jeonghan pulls him closer but it’s not harsh or forceful, just gentle, a suggestion. joshua leans in.

“communication is the key,” he says.

“i’m glad that my _boyfriend_ is such an intellectual,” jeonghan speaks lowly, humour in his voice, but all joshua can focus on is the title of a boyfriend and how he can feel the air of jeonghan’s breathing on his lips.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

as expected, dating jeonghan is easy.

not many things have changed between them. they still hang out in groups, they see each other alone, they study and talk—there’s just more kissing, touching with exploring hands, warmth and joshua guesses, happiness.

jeonghan makes him happy, is the point of it all. not a miraculous saving grace but maybe something he needed and craved.

joshua absolutely adores holding jeonghan’s hand, their fingers intertwining like the easiest dance, the other one always rubbing his thumb over joshua’s knuckles, letting it drop to the dips between his bones.

they’ve been to few dates by now. jeonghan always laughs loudly, holds him close, looks beautiful in heels and sometimes skirts, and joshua can’t find it within himself to feel an ounce of shame or regret.

they say relationships shouldn’t change you but joshua thinks, believes, that jeonghan is morphing him for better. it’s not like he’s suddenly a completely new person with a personality of a stranger but rather his good sides are overpowering those more inconvenient.

he still gets tired after too much socializing, he still finds calmness and peace comforting and grounding, he still rarely sheds any tears because of the crippling thought of how he shouldn’t and _man up_ but—it’s certainly so much better.

joshua is growing.

 

their third or fourth, joshua isn’t exactly sure, date locates at an indoor waterpark. it would have been nicer to go to a beach in his opinion but the autumn has turned the air outside to chillier and windier.

it had been jeonghan’s idea since he seemed to be a bit more innovative with things like that and after some doubting and hesitating, joshua had agreed. there’s something uncomfortable about it, wearing only swim trunks inside a building, showing off his body.

jeonghan had been supportive about it though, telling joshua that he looks just fine and that people literally do not care at all—joshua trusts that he knows these things.

it smells like chlorine but it’s not an unpleasant scent at all, very much like gasoline smells good too.

it being a weekday, the place isn’t too crowded at all which joshua is thankful for. there’s a few reasons why, one being that he has faded marks on his chest, those that aren’t really that visible unless you stare which is why joshua doesn’t want to be stared at.

another reason is that children scream very loudly. and things like, jeonghan is handsy and irresistible.

they’re sitting on the shallow end of one of the biggest pools, lukewarm water reaching where joshua’s ribs start, and jeonghan is playing with his fingers. it’s sort of a break for them since they have been playing around like the mature adults they are for a while already.

“wanna ride a slide?” jeonghan suggests after a while when he has gotten bored of fiddling with joshua’s fingers.

joshua lifts his gaze, looking at the biggest slide. it’s ugly—it’s one of those colour block ones, with obnoxious shades of bright red, yellow, green and blue. it’s tall, shaped like a swirling tube.

“there?” he asks, nodding towards it. there’s other ones too, way more complex slides and not-slides-slides.

“yup,” jeonghan confirms, standing up from the water. joshua follows him, shuddering from the air hitting his wet stomach and legs.

 

the walk up the stairs to the top of the slide is enough to make joshua breathe a bit more heavily. it’s not that he’s extremely unathletic, it’s just his poor stamina. jeonghan laughs at him and he can’t be bothered to be surprised about it.

“not all of us can be as sporty as you,”  joshua huffs, running his hand through his wet strands. jeonghan barks out a laugh, nodding slowly.

“hm, true,” he nods, “it’s difficult to get on my level.”

joshua rolls his eyes.

there’s no line for the slide, luckily. the water is running on the thick plastic, leading to the downfall, dark and oddly intimidating.

“let’s slide together, yes?” joshua says, turning to look at jeonghan. he tries not to stare even though it’s a tad bit difficult because jeonghan’s shoulders are so broad and stupidly attractive.

everything about him looks always so nice, his body proportions plainly unfair.

“of course,” jeonghan grins as a reply.

joshua turns his face towards the entrance of the slide, glancing at the light reminiscing a traffic light with it’s green and red colours. it’s showing green.

he shrugs his shoulders, mostly to himself, sitting down on the start of the slide but not pushing himself to glide down. jeonghan settles behind him, chest against joshua’s back, and sneaks his arms around his waist.

he’s warm against him.

with a harsh push, they start sliding down, smile tugging the corners of joshua’s mouth. the outside noises—screams and laughter—are muffled inside the tube, the plastic surrounding them making the lighting dim.

joshua feels detached but in a good sense, like it’s just the two of them. the speed isn’t too fast or exciting, only a tiny bit, but that isn’t the main point anyway.

then jeonghan breaks the moment by moving his hands from around his stomach to his chest, pinching his nipples.

it makes him jolt and then gasp because jeonghan doesn’t just stop at pinching, and joshua’s too shocked to stop him. he presses his thumbs against them, rubbing but it’s not gentle. sparks of sharp pain and pleasure travel through him, making his stomach drop.

he grabs jeonghan’s wrists, fingernails pressing crescents to his skin and wraps them around joshua’s torso, holding them.

“jeonghan,” he hisses, it’s comes out a bit breathless. he assumes they’re somewhere close to the end of the water slide, the noises louder around them. jeonghan chuckles to his ear.

“you’re absolutely evil,” joshua continues, heartbeat still beating loudly from the scare and the sparks of brief arousal.

jeonghan doesn’t deny it, just laughs again.

the end of their ride finishes with a loud _splash_ as they hit the water.

 

it gets sort of worse after that.

not like it’s bad _bad_ but mostly distracting, and the worst part about it is that jeonghan knows what he’s doing. joshua has come to the realization that his boyfriend might be more or less sadistic.

they go to other rides as well, those slides that are not really even slides, until they get bored of them again.

it comes back to just sitting in a pool, leaning against the white tiles of the wall. joshua looks around, trying to spot something to do or where to go to.

there’s more people now, busier hours, screams louder and laughter, too. parents and children and couples, all sorts of people.

”hey,” joshua starts, turning to face jeonghan, ”there’s an outside pool, right?”

the other one looks at him quietly for a while before furrowing his brows.

”they’re closed?” he says and joshua shakes his head, droplets of water falling from his hair.

”no, no, like those with hot water? connected to the indoor pools?” he explains. jeonghan’s face lights up as he gets it and nods.

”yeah, there’s one,” jeonghan says. the tone of his voice is kind of excited, assumably from liking the idea.

”lead the way,” joshua laughs, standing up.

jeonghan does lead the way indeed, joshua walking next to him. he tries not to glance at jeonghan’s body, again, even though he wants to—defined abdominals are nice to look at.

jeonghan holds his hand on joshua’s shoulder. he says it’s that he doesn’t fall which joshua dubs to that if he falls, joshua is coming down with him.

after they find the connected pool, they lower themselves down to the warm water. there’s a few people in the pool but joshua can only hope it’s not too crowded outside.

the entrance is a hole in the wall with thick plastic stripes as curtains. the pool is shallow enough for them to walk there, the surface only reaching joshua’s chest.

jeonghan goes out before him, holding the curtains aside for joshua. it would be all very gentlemanly if not for the way jeonghan curses from the cold air. joshua relates.

the autumn air is cold—not as freezing as it could be but still, it’s one of the chillier days. joshua shivers, bending his knees so his shoulders disappear under the hot water. his face is still freezing, uncomfortable.

”oh my god,” jeonghan mumbles.

the floor in the bottom of the pool is scratchy against joshua’s soles. it’s just the two of them, luckily, the misty air surrounding them as they half walk-half swim to the centre of the outdoor pool.

”finally, peace,” joshua says with amusement laced in his voice. jeonghan makes his way to stand in front of joshua, both of them facing each other. it’s quiet, not like in that slide—no muffled, distant voices through a filter but just silent. the wind is blowing gently but it can’t rustle their hair, wet and sleek.

it’s jeonghan who leans in. their noses brush briefly before their lips touch, unceremonious and tasteless. it’s inappropriate, most likely, but if no one is there to see it, no one can care either. it’s just so lovely kissing jeonghan.

joshua holds his hand on the side of his neck, wet hair pressing against his fingertips. jeonghan’s hands have found their way to his waist, once again, squeezing him slightly—holding him tightly.

joshua decides to deepen the kiss. despite the chilly wind against his damp face, it’s getting warmer from the heat that’s caused by jeonghan. his boyfriend, always so handsy, is moving his palms on joshua’s lower back.

joshua breathes through his nose, not wanting to break the kiss, shakily exhaling when jeonghan’s fingers toy with the waistband of his swim shorts. it’s so wrong but that’s what is so good about it. jeonghan slips his hand inside his shorts.

but it’s a bit too much. jeonghan squeezes his asscheek harshly, making joshua gasp into the kiss. it eventually breaks it, too.

“jeonghan,” he breathes out. it was meant to be something harsh, commanding, but it came out as almost a whine. jeonghan chuckles again, pressing his fingers flat against joshua’s hole.

“for fuck’s sake,” joshua says, breathless, dropping his hand underwater to grab jeonghan’s arm. the other one laughs, drawing his hand away before joshua can grab it.

his heart is heart is hammering so loudly, uncomfortably beating against his chest. it’d be fine if they weren’t at a public place, and there’s something awfully yucky about being in a chlorine laced water in a sexual setting.

“got you all hot and bothered?” jeonghan snorts, innocent look on his face. thankfully joshua knows better than believing it.

“you’re awful, absolutely horrible. a menace,” joshua curses him and this time jeonghan doesn’t seem to even bother with the fake offended act.

“yeah, maybe, but you like it enough to get, well, hot and bothered,” jeonghan argues with that in-matter-of-fact tone he tends to use.

“maybe i just found it gross,” joshua pokes him in the stomach as he says it. it meets hard muscle instead of baby fat.

“maybe,” jeonghan sing-songs.

the air doesn’t feel as uncomfortable anymore as he has gotten used to it. jeonghan is right about it, it’s mostly arousal rather than disgust. they have gotten intimate, exploring such limits but joshua has never seen himself as someone who is into exhibitionism.

perhaps that’s changing too.

jeonghan is staring at him with that same intensity in his eyes joshua has seen before. it makes him feel smaller, making his mouth run dry. it’s not predatory or oppressing but just intense, focused.

“what are you staring?” joshua chuckles a tad bit nervously but it’s nothing too bad. only one of jeonghan’s hands his holding him by his waist at this point which is mildly disappointing.

“you,” jeonghan replies and joshua groans.

“yeah, i got that but _why_ ?” he asks, cocking his brow. jeonghan seems to weigh his options for an answer for a while before he just says one word, _pretty._

“please elaborate,” joshua suggests even with a slight smile returning to his lips. it feels nice to hear that from jeonghan’s mouth despite how he used to view it. it doesn’t make his world spin or heart sing but it’s just simply nice.

“you’re just pretty,” jeonghan sighs but there’s nothing disappointed or negative in his tone, shrugging his shoulders. he lifts his hand from underwater, placing it on joshua’s cheek.

maybe if it were another situation, he would complain about jeonghan putting his dirty hands on his face but his skin has gone through much during the day already, so he doesn’t.

jeonghan rubs his thumb on his cheekbone, so awfully gently it makes his heart flutter. with his finger so close to the corner of his eye, he’s careful.

“your eyes are so beautiful,” jeonghan says, softly. even when joshua knows that the other one cares, he usually chooses to show it through actions rather than words. joshua likes words, concrete terms and definitions, but he has learned to appreciate jeonghan’s ways too.

“they’re so big, pretty. catlike,” jeonghan keeps talking, “you’d look really good with eyeliner.”

joshua licks his lips.

“really?” he asks. the other one nods. it’s definitely something joshua has thought about, admittedly. he’s interested at least.

“can i get you all dolled up someday?” jeonghan asks, sliding his palm lower, swiping his thumb over joshua’s lips. he doesn’t need to think about it before he answers.

“yes,” just a simple, small yes, spoken against his finger. it makes jeonghan grin happily.

“wonderful. you’ll look so good,” he says, sounding almost proud. joshua chuckles.

“i’m afraid i won’t be able to walk in heels,” he tells him, sort of jokingly.

“you’re more ballerina shoe kinda boy anyway,” jeonghan replies, “if you were to wear feminine shoes, i mean.”

joshua nods in understanding.  

“i like sneakers,”

“me too.”

joshua hesitates. jeonghan is tracing the curve of his cupid’s bow, studying the shape of it.

“how do you,” he starts, speaking calmly and trying to move his mouth as little as possible, “how do you not care? about what people think.”

jeonghan looks at him quietly for a second.

“it’s quite easy,” he says, “it’s my life, not theirs. if they get uncomfortable, they can. i used to care, you know, but eventually i just stopped.”

joshua nods and jeonghan keeps talking, “you were weirded out by it, weren’t you? no, baby, it’s fine. anyway—despite how you reacted at first, i wanted to show you that it’s very normal, you know? you weren’t an asshole about it anyway.”

joshua would chew on his lip, a nervous habit, but he really can’t when jeonghan’s finger is on his lips.

“it sounds so heroic,” jeonghan snorts, “but mostly selfish. you know, i just—i don’t wanna care, i don’t care, it’s just clothes,” he finishes with a shrug of his shoulders.

“just clothes,” joshua repeats. the other one nods.

a part of joshua wants to argue back, to excuse or even explain why he behaved the way he did. that it’s not just clothes, it’s the gender norms and roles, how pink is for girls and blue for boys, and how they are grown up to it.

“i look fucking great in skirts, too, the world deserves to see that,” jeonghan adds. joshua laughs.

even with the steam rising from the air and blurring some of joshua’s sight, he can draw the lines of jeonghan’s face so clearly, memorized by his mind. the straight bone of his small nose, soft dip of his cupid’s bow and upper lip, blurred rosy shade of his mouth—those things.

jeonghan looks magical as always, nothing new. nothing surprising about the way joshua’s heart fills with adoration, and he can only hope jeonghan feels the same about him.

the good thing is that after such conversation he doesn’t feel so _hot and bothered_ anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“can i paint your nails?”

joshua lifts his stare from his tangerine. it’s half eaten, the peels covering jeonghan’s desk—white and orange against the dull wood.

“like, right now?” joshua asks, putting one piece into his mouth, chewing it slowly. it’s a bit too sweet which is very unfortunate. jeonghan nods as a reply, his phone in his hand where he is sitting on his own bed.

“yeah,” joshua says then. he looks down to his hands, there’s tangerine peels underneath his fingernails, the skin around them stained orange.

“fun,” jeonghan says in a tone that doesn’t really scream fun, it’s just a plain reply—like okay.

 

after joshua has finished eating his fruit and thrown the peels to the trash, and successfully washed his hands, he sits beside jeonghan on the bed.

“how do you want me?” joshua asks. jeonghan puts his phone down on the mattress, turning to face him with his brows wiggling. truly horrible.

“by the desk,” jeonghan says. joshua tries not to think about the implication.

they get up, joshua drags seokmin’s chair next to jeonghan’s table while the other one is rummaging through his cabinet, probably for the supplies. joshua isn’t sure where seokmin even is—probably at soonyoung’s—and even for the brotherly love, he can get a bit obnoxious so joshua is pleased.

“is black okay?” jeonghan asks as he walks to the desk, a small glass pot in his hand. joshua nods, dropping his stare to his hands. he places them on the table, splayed on the wooden surface.

“do you think it’ll suit me?” joshua asks.

“positive,” jeonghan gives him a thumbs up with his other hand, busy with placing paper tissues on the desk, probably to avoid possible stains. joshua lifts his hands so he can put tissues under them.

both of them are dressed comfortably and casually. joshua is wearing a black oversized hoodie with adidas track pants and jeonghan is in a sweater that’s slipping down his shoulder and exposing a lacy strap and ripped mom jeans—thin denim, loose.

joshua is a bit nervous but only the tiniest amount. it’s more anticipation, a fluttering excitement.

jeonghan twists the cap open, a dry cracking sound in the quiet dorm room.

”seokmin hates when i paint my nails,” jeonghan tells him, ”because it smells so strong.”

joshua leans closer and sniffs.

”it’s not that bad?” he says in a confused tone. jeonghan shrugs his shoulders.

”that’s what i’ve been saying,” he says.

joshua watched with interest as jeonghan takes the cork in his hand, a small brush with black polish bubbling on the end of it.

”i’m not an expert,” jeonghan warns then, ”so if it’s messy, don’t get angry. i have remover though.”

joshua laughs softly, ”’kay.”

jeonghan swipes a layer of black onto his nail. it feels kinda odd and cold.

he doesn’t dare to talk in fear of distracting jeonghan who seems to be very focused on painting his nails. with the sleeves of his sweater rolled up, joshua can see the veins travelling across his arms.

he wants to trace them with his fingertip, follow them and their way to jeonghan’s heart.

jeonghan has his hair tied to a sleek ponytail resting against his nape, the strands of it shine under the room lighting. some of them fall to his face from leaning down to get closer to joshua’s hands.

joshua wonders that when will the intoxicating, mesmerizingly dizzying feeling stop. or maybe it’s just the nail polish fumes but he doubts it.

”you’re so pretty,” joshua blurts out without really thinking about it. it comes out sort of breathless, kind of amazed.

jeonghan turns his head to glance joshua over his shoulder, glaring at him. he can’t take it seriously despite of the narrowed eyes, laughing, ”what?”

”stop saying stuff like that because i really wanna kiss you silly right now but i don’t wanna fuck up your nails,”

it makes joshua grin so ridiculously it’s almost embarrassing.

“it’s just my nails,” he says.

“needy,” jeonghan mumbles, blowing him a kiss with his free hand even though there’s less than a meter between them. it makes joshua chuckle.

the other one focuses on his nails again, and soon enough there’s one hand done—surprisingly tidy. joshua lifts his hand a bit, watching as the drying polish shines even though apparently it’s matte.

jeonghan lets him know that he will have to paint another layer on top of that and _i swear to god do not blow on them._

when all of his ten fingernails are covered with the black paint, joshua studies them with interest and excitement—which jeonghan softly giggles at. it looks so nice even though it’s not exactly the final outcome. there’s a smear of black on the side of his right hand middle finger but the other one swipes it off with a cotton bad and strong smelling remover.

while the first layer dries, jeonghan decides to play a game called how intensely can he kiss joshua’s neck without him squirming around and messing up his nails. it leaves him breathless, flushed and almost speechless. his neck has always been sensitive and the devil in jeonghan knows how to use it for his advance.

 

after the layer has dried and jeonghan has finished with the second one and final touches, joshua is almost fed up with not being able to use his hands. the other one just laughs at his frustration but what’s new?

at least now jeonghan decides to give him proper kisses on the mouth rather than just his neck even if he makes joshua keep his hands on the desk still. and true to his word, jeonghan does kiss him silly.

when the polish has properly dried down, joshua is stupidly amazed by it. he has seen nail polish before, on both girls and boys, but it feels foreign on his hands. he likes it so much.

he touches the black surface gently with his fingertip, brushing against it with his mouth parted. jeonghan looks so proud standing next to him when he lifts his gaze to look at him. joshua gets up from the chair, throwing his arms around jeonghan’s shoulders.

“it’s so cool,” he exclaims, perhaps like a little child but he doesn’t really care. it feels freeing, refreshing. jeonghan pecks the tip of his nose, grinning.

“i knew it would suit you,” he says. it’s still smelling like nail polish in the room even with both of them used to the scent already. jeonghan takes a hold of joshua’s right bicep, moving his arm away from around his shoulders.

jeonghan moves his hold to his wrist, pulling joshua’s hand closer to his face, pressing a kiss on his knuckles.

“my pretty boy,” he mumbles against them and joshua, he simply gleams.

 

 

the same evening, when joshua is back to his dorm room shared with seungcheol, he can’t stop grinning at his nails.

it’s sort of odd—while he’s perfectly capable of getting excited, he’s usually on the calmer and collected side. but now, he feels giddy and almost proud of himself.

he tries to keep his smile in control though, not wanting to make a fool of himself. he’s sitting by his own desk when seungcheol returns from wherever he has been, gaze fixated on his laptop screen.

frankly speaking, joshua doesn’t really have to control his smile in the end when his school work does it for him.

“hi,” joshua greets him, glancing over his shoulder with a short smile. seungcheol throws him a halfhearted wave and a _hey._

joshua really isn’t too sure why they aren’t closer. jeonghan and seungcheol know each other, he isn’t exactly sure from where but somewhere, but he thinks they are on fairly good terms. seungcheol is just never around, no parties and joshua doesn’t even share any classes with him.

they fall into a comfortable silence as joshua continues to work on his essay. his friends always complain that he hits his keyboard too hard and loudly, the tapping obnoxious but seungcheol has never complained about it so joshua doesn’t bother to change his ways.

 

joshua is stuck on a sentence, chewing on his lower lip in thought.

“seungcheol?” he asks, turning around. the other man is sitting on his bed, assumably scrolling through his phone. he lifts his gaze, cocking a brow in question.

“can you help me?” joshua asks, “i’m stuck. you’re a literature major, right? my grammar is breaking.” he finishes his kind of pathetic call for help with a nervous laugh.

“yeah, sure,” seungcheol says, his tone nearing nothing like judgement. he gets up and walks to joshua’s desk, standing by him and reading the last paragraph of the essay. joshua is strangely calm, the other man has that kinda presence, grounding in an odd way.

“can i?” seungcheol asks, moving his hands on joshua’s keyboard.

“go ahead,” he says quickly, pulling his hands away so the other one can fix the sentence. he taps the buttons in a manner way more quiet than joshua even though he makes more typos than him, pressing the erasing button more often.

after he’s done, joshua gives him a long litany of thank you’s. seungcheol just laughs and tells that it’s absolutely okay and if he needs any help, he can ask.

“your nails look nice,” he tells joshua before leaving him to continue working on his essay.

“thanks,” joshua breathes out, facing the screen so seungcheol doesn’t see his stupid grin.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it’s one of the warmer days in autumn.

joshua blames the global warming for the sudden increase of degrees even though it’s not hot or humid like during summer—but enough to walk outdoors with his coat unbuttoned without getting cold. a few weeks ago he would have died doing that.

the warmth falls on a very suitable day though which joshua is thankful for. there’s a park festival, one where there’s a band performing whose name joshua can’t recall and he doubts anyone else there can either.

jeonghan and him have arrived less than half an hour ago, holding hands and sitting on a bench further away than others. it’s dark, the streetlamps and the lightings from the stage making the area a bit brighter but not much.

jeonghan’s hand is warm in his, the soft breeze of air ruffling his long hair—he looks so incredibly pretty with his soft locks dancing in the wind. if it were colder, his breath would come out in puffs of smoke and the tops of his cheeks would be reddened but this night, joshua isn’t seeing that.

it’s late. he bends his head back to look at the dark sky above. there’s stars splayed around the dark blue like glitter. jeonghan is rubbing his thumb over joshua’s knuckles once again, humming to the simple tune of the song playing.

it’s all very sweet and peaceful. the song ends and the people littered around the park cheer and clap, and the both of them follow in unison. there aren’t really many people, thirty at maximum, so the reaction isn’t too loud but the lead singer thanks the audience happily.

they proceed to their next song. it’s not bad at all, either, catchy and cutesy. it just makes the cliché atmosphere of their date even more romance-like.

“wanna ditch this?” jeonghan asks suddenly.

joshua looks at him with surprisement obvious in his expression which makes the other one continue.

“like not leave leave, just go somewhere where’s just the two of us? there’s a hill there, we can, i don’t know, look at the stars, make out, play fuck, marry, kill—it’s your choice,” jeonghan rambles. joshua squeezes his hand.

“i choose fucking, let’s go,” he says and both of them stand up, still hands still intertwined.

jeonghan leads the way as he knows where the hill is, walking across the dim park. it’s not too far away, joshua finds out, even though it’s high and requires something resembling athleticity. jeonghan cheers for him like a personal cheerleader alongside with happy cackling of _ha ha ha._

joshua is slightly out of breath when they get to their destination. it’s a little uncomfortable since it’s not even cold so the weather can’t cool him down. he follows jeonghan, the other one sitting on the rocky ground of the hill, joshua settling beside him.

the cliff is from several meters away but joshua can tell that the fall is quite long. he doesn’t dwell on it for too long because it’s the view in front of him that catches his eyes. it’s breathtaking—he didn’t realize that they’re that high up but they must be because joshua is convinced he can see the whole city.

jeonghan laughs at the sharp gasp that joshua lets out out of amazement.

“pretty, right?” he asks and joshua can’t do anything but nod enthusiastically in agreement. the city lights are defined in the dark night but the sounds of traffic seem so far away, so pointless and unimportant. what matters now is just the two of them.

the lights of the buildings shimmer like the stars above and there’s something so ironic about it because when he lifts his gaze up, he can see the stars but they aren’t as clear. someone said, somewhere, that the real stars live in those buildings and that’s why the polluted sky doesn't shine as bright.

“how come you’ve never taken me here before?” it’s a stupid question, kind of. jeonghan just shrugs his shoulders.

“never thought of it. i don’t come here often either,” he tells him. joshua accepts his response easily.

when joshua realizes they aren’t holding hands anymore, he makes a move to grab jeonghan’s. the other one looks down at them, then at joshua before leaning closer to press a brief kiss on the corner of his mouth.

“wanna hear something really gross?” jeonghan asks.

“sure,” joshua says even though he isn’t exactly sure if he does.

“you’re more beautiful than the stars or the view, you sound so much better than the band that’s performing even though they’re great as well, i’d rather be here with you than anywhere else.”

“that was _disgusting,_ ” joshua chokes out after a second of silence. his cheeks feel warm.

“i meant it,” jeonghan says with a genuine, bright smile that shines more beautifully than anything. the other one seems to take gain out of joshua’s sudden flustering, letting go of his hand and pushing him by his shoulder to lay down instead.

the ground isn’t all that comfortable, digging to his spine and the backs of his legs, but it’s nothing he can’t manage. jeonghan leans over him, keeping his upper body up with his elbow. their coats rustle, joshua’s a vintage windbreaker and jeonghan’s a woolen coat that reaches the back of thighs, looking all fancy and expensive.

“i really like you,” joshua says quietly, stating the obvious aloud. he’s pretty sure jeonghan knows it, believes it and really likes him back because he leans down to kiss him properly. joshua lifts his hand to jeonghan’s neck, holding him close gently.

it can’t be a very easy position for jeonghan, keeping his upper body up with his one arm only, so joshua pushes himself off the ground to kiss him deeper, better.

they keep kissing for a while, messily and eventually, lazily. there’s something special and also casual about it, it fits them so well.

“you brought me here to get into my pants, huh?” joshua asks, smirking slightly as their lips part.

“no,” jeonghan shakes his head, “i brought you here for you to get into _my_ pants.”

joshua lets out an unattractive snort, pushing himself to a proper sitting position and jeonghan does the same.

”you want me to blow you? jerk you off?” he guesses.

”something along those lines, yes,” jeonghan confirms. it’s amusing how straightforward and blunt he is about it, not an ounce of shame.

”nasty,” joshua huffs, poking jeonghan’s chest with his finger. the other one doesn’t deny it, just smiles crookedly.

”will you do it?” jeonghan asks instead. he looks joshua into his eyes, persuasive and mischievous. even if he had planned on saying no—he hadn’t—this would have changed his mind.

”i guess i will,” he says, acting nonchalant. he leans closer to kiss jeonghan again.

jeonghan is clearly into exhibitionism and perhaps joshua is starting to get a hold of it too. he can’t say that there isn’t anything exciting about the possibility of getting caught, a hot rush of both fear and adrenaline.

it’s easier to kiss him when they’re sitting. jeonghan’s hand is cold when he places it on the side of his neck, smoothing his skin with his thumb in a caring motion. there’s a wet sound as their lips part, joshua swallows. his lips are warm and damp against his, a dulled taste of jeonghan’s tongue, familiar and lovelier than ever.

joshua is glad that it’s a warm night because wow, he really does want to do it, heartbeat picking up, heat slowly making its way across his bones, and if it were colder he doubts they could.

joshua rests his forehead against jeonghan’s for a while, dropping his hand between the other one’s legs. he’s wearing black trousers, ones that scream designer and sleek bills but joshua thinks they’re from zara. jeonghan can just pull off anything and make it look high fashion, couture.

jeonghan moves his head to press his lips against joshua’s neck, a light butterfly kiss placed on the thin skin. joshua exhales heavily, a sigh from his lips, as he bends his head back the slightest bit so the other one has more space to work on.

he can feel jeonghan dragging his tongue against his neck before stopping to nibble is skin lightly, nothing that hurts or leaves marks, joshua knows.

joshua wants to close his eyes and just lose himself to it, let himself lull to the feeling of jeonghan and his touch. he doesn’t do it, pressing the heel of his palm against jeonghan’s crotch instead, gently and with delicate pressure.

jeonghan sighs against his neck, pressing a kiss on his jawbone before leaning away. joshua decides to use this moment to move between the other one’s spread legs. it’s not going to be comfortable for him, to get down on the rocky ground, but joshua doesn’t think he really minds it.

“i can’t believe i’m doing this,” joshua mumbles to himself, undoing jeonghan’s leather belt and pulling down his zipper.

“you’re a good boy, that’s why,” jeonghan snickers and it makes joshua’s hands freeze for a while, swallowing dryly. fuck, he likes hearing that so much.

he gets his hands to work quickly enough for jeonghan not to notice his reaction. he glances at his face—the grin on jeonghan’s face is smug, cheeks a tad bit flushed. joshua sneaks his hand into his underwear, closing his fingers around his half-hard dick.

joshua keeps his gaze at the older one. jeonghan brushes stray strands of hair behind his ear as joshua gives him a lazy stroke, sliding his thumb over his tip. his heart is beating so loudly but it’s barely unpleasant, the anticipation in joshua’s veins.

he pulls out jeonghan’s cock from his trousers, shuffling around on the ground before backing off on his knees.

“whatever,” joshua mumbles after a while, laying himself flat on his stomach, elbows and lower arms on jeonghan’s thighs. the other one chuckles at his actions, placing one hand in joshua’s hair, running his fingers through the black locks.

joshua almost purrs from the motion. he grips the base of jeonghan’s cock, lowering his head to mouth his tip. he shudders from the way jeonghan groans lowly, tightening his hold in joshua’s hair.

joshua swirls his tongue around the head, carefully breathing through his nose. he prefers sucking dick wet and messy, lots of unnecessary saliva and an easy slide, but joshua doesn’t want to make a mess on jeonghan’s clothes.

jeonghan tugs his hair, drawing a small gasp out of joshua’s mouth. it encourages him to start moving his hand but before he can do that, he draws it away and moves his head to the side a bit—it makes jeonghan’s cock press against his cheek which is sort of gross and also surprisingly hot—so he can spit onto his palm.

joshua starts jerking jeonghan off, motivated by the small sighs and mumbles of praise from jeonghan’s mouth. he mouths the tip, kittenish licks across his slit.

“your lips are so fucking pretty,” jeonghan says, voice not as stable as before, more shaky. joshua shivers, deciding to close his mouth properly around his dick, sucking gently. it’s easier now that jeonghan is properly hard, sliding his mouth lower.

the noise it makes is obscene and loud, especially when joshua takes him deeper, pressing against the back of his throat and making him gag slightly. it should be disgusting but it just makes his own jeans feel tighter, strained.

joshua glances up beneath his lashes and almost tries to look pretty. it’s sort of questionable because his eyes are glossy, mouth full of cock—not the prettiest picture.

jeonghan yanks his hair so harshly it makes him yelp and his cock twitch inside his pants.

“my pretty boy,” he praises him, “i wanna ruin you so bad, _fuck._ ”

joshua almost whines, a muffled sound around his cock. jeonghan’s voice is hushed and low, perhaps it’s the shy undertones of filthy words or just so he doesn’t talk loudly enough for anyone to hear and find interest.

joshua hollows his cheeks, keeping his eyes down. jeonghan feels heavy on his tongue, his scent and taste overwhelming mixed in with the outside noise of wind and leaves rustling, faint tones of music from the concert.

jeonghan isn’t exactly a vocal but he’s talkative with quiet words, and joshua thinks he prefers the way his voice breaks and turns into a sigh rather than blunt moaning.

joshua sneaks his other hand underneath himself, squeezing his crotch through the fabric of his jeans but it’s not enough. he can’t even grind against his palm, the rock beneath him hurting his knuckles. he whines in frustration, an awfully embarrassing sound but then he hears jeonghan groan. it’s worth it.

joshua starts to bob his head in a faster pace, the insides of his cheeks smoothed against jeonghan’s dick. an occasional gagging sound falls from his mouth, making his eyes water again with the suppressed need to cough.  

jeonghan keeps talking, his voice clear and so fucking arousing joshua feels like he might burst, stomach tightening and untightening.

“wish i could just fuck you here,” he mumbles, voice cracking, “anyone could just walk here and see how needy you get.”

joshua’s eyes almost roll back in his head, a whole body shudder wrecking through him from the thought. he pulls his head back to slide his tongue across jeonghan’s slit, digging the tip of his tongue against it, making jeonghan jolt and pull his hair.

the thought of it, what jeonghan had just said, makes him shake. it’s not the matter of being looked at but accidental voyeurism, rather. even though their current position is scandalous and inappropriate as itself, actual fucking would make joshua cry, probably.

the boys who don’t cry can and will cry during rough sex, then. joshua is one of those boys, apparently.

jeonghan grips his dick, pulling it out of joshua’s mouth. he swallows the excess spit in his mouth, looking at the other one with hazy eyes.

jeonghan decides to rub the tip of his dick against joshua’s wet, swollen lips, spreading the bubble of precum across them. joshua squeezes his hand to a fist, needing something to help with the needing ache in his crotch but there’s nothing. absolutely nothing.

jeonghan has the audacity to coo at him. joshua furrows his brows, parting his lips so he can slip his cock back in to his mouth.

it takes only a few minutes more that jeonghan is gripping his hair with a tight hold again, his hips stuttering as he comes to joshua’s mouth with a litany of curses and joshua’s name. cum isn’t the most tasty thing but he swallows it, licking the tip clean until jeonghan pushes his head away out of sensitivity.

jeonghan laughs, breathless and free, tucking himself back to his trousers. his face looks a bit clammy even in the dark night, flush obvious on his cheeks. joshua would probably appreciate it more if it weren’t for his throbbing arousal and how he hasn’t come yet.

joshua sits up, legs almost numb. he shivers from the slight breeze of air, it’s getting colder as it’s getting late but it’s nothing bad still. jeonghan pulls him into a kiss by his neck, ignoring the way how his cock was in joshua’s mouth just seconds ago.

“you’re so good,” he mumbles against his lips, sliding his palm across joshua’s hoodie covered chest, further down. he undoes the button of his jeans, opens the zipper and slips his hand into his boxer briefs.

joshua comes after a few harsh, sort of clumsy, strokes of jeonghan’s hand, breathing heavily into the other one’s neck. it travels through his body with a violent shudder, leaving him gasping for mouthfuls of air, thighs clenching.

the force of it just tells joshua how hot he found the situation after all. jeonghan strokes him through it, muttering quiet praises to his ear with a hoarse voice, and joshua can’t find it within himself to care that he has a mess of cum in his underwear now.

jeonghan wipes his hand on the grass after pulling it out from his jeans, making joshua laugh.

“sexy,” he comments, voice hoarse from the gagging and having not spoken for a while.

“i know right,” jeonghan snorts, pulling up the zipper of his own pants and closing his belt. joshua does the same, even if his hands tremble a little and he’s still a bit hazy from the aftershocks of his orgasm.

“we are horrible citizens,” joshua says after a while, not bothering to stand up. his mouth feels kind of odd, jaw sore and aching. there’s something rewarding about it too.

“we are. but hey,” jeonghan speaks, “it’s sort of romantic. a blowjob under the stars.”

joshua snorts. he moves his hand to brush jeonghan’s hair behind his ear.

“you weren’t the one to lay on the ground,” he says, dropping his hand to his lap. joshua feels kind of gross all around, especially with his dirty underwear. it’s the exhaustion in his bones, getting his legs all jelly, that’s making things sort of droopy and unclear—like looking through a blurred filter.

“fair. a blowjob under the stars with joshua hong laying on the ground. romantic,” jeonghan says. joshua laughs dryly, a forced sound that just emphasizes how awful his boyfriend’s humour is.

he isn’t exactly wrong. while joshua wouldn’t really call it romantic, there’s something special about it. he can’t hear the faint music anymore, the festival probably over and done. joshua turns his head from jeonghan to look at the view again—the city stretches so far away it looks like it’ll never end.

there’s something in the air. might it be love, the polluted toxins of ruined environment, the winter making its way to their city, joshua isn’t sure at all. it’s oddly familiar, calming and making the corners of his lips tug upwards. he thinks he is happy here. not on that cliff, not because of the location, but because it’s him and jeonghan.

from the discomfort of seeing an attractive boy in a skirt to blowing him in a park with his own nails painted, joshua is convinced all good things spring from uncertainty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

joshua is laying on his stomach on jeonghan’s bed, scrolling through his instagram. he double taps the screen halfheartedly, pausing for a second to read the captions. joshua stops at junhui’s post, published this morning because fuck instagram’s algorithm, a selfie with the caption of something semi-pretentious. possibly a song lyric joshua doesn’t recognize—junhui listens to musicians he has never heard of anyway.

jeonghan is humming the tune of barbie girl by aqua, rummaging through his closet. he knows the song is gonna be stuck in his head for the next few days at least, the tune way too catchy and annoying for joshua to forget it again.

if joshua said that he didn’t feel any anticipation, he’d be lying. in fact, he feels all giddy and excited with some nervousness, but the good feelings are overpowering the bad ones.

jeonghan had decided that today would be a good day to dress joshua up in his clothes, dollen him up, he had said. he had kicked seokmin out for joshua’s dignity and nerves as well. while seokmin is a sweet boy, joshua doesn’t want to share the moment with him for one reason or another.

there’s something oddly personal about it. perhaps it’s because joshua finally feels _brave_ enough to try something out that he has thought about for so long, even if his interests have felt wrong and unacceptable for himself.

joshua understands now that it’s mostly sad. as long as they’re living their life authentic and happy, no one else should care. that’s the point it comes down to. joshua wants to be happy, he wants to be himself even if he doesn’t have it quite figured out yet.

joshua isn’t exactly sure who he is but he’s positive he’ll find out. jeonghan is more than willing to help.

“come here,” the said man sing-songs. joshua locks his phone, shuffling from the bed to a sitting position. jeonghan has a pile of clothes draped over his lower arm, the shades of white and light pink. he swallows the nervousness down his throat alongside with saliva.

joshua gets up, dropping his phone on jeonghan’s bed. he seems to change his mind, instead of waiting for joshua to walk to him, the other one crosses the room and drops the pile of clothes on the bedsheets.

“now it’s the time for you to strip,” jeonghan tells him, sounding very happy. he is especially cheerful today, a bright smile plastered on his lips. joshua thinks that suits him the best, even better than jeans or skirts, lipstick or eyeshadow.

jeonghan is wearing a dark red slip dress over a black turtleneck. joshua knows that one essential part to his outfit is a big black hat that reminds him of harry styles but jeonghan isn’t wearing it in his room, just his hair open and pushed behind his ears.

“you just wanna see me naked,” joshua comments lazily, standing up and pulling off his white graphic t-shirt.

“maybe so,” jeonghan says, leaning against his desk.

joshua feels a little self conscious, standing there without any top on, but he decides to ignore it and unbuttons his jeans, pulling them down. they pool around his feet and he steps out of them, picking them up and carelessly discarding them on the bed.

joshua crosses his arms over his chest, feeling very exposed standing there just in his black boxers and socks. jeonghan makes a noise that’s something between a coo and a laugh, pushing himself off the desk and walking to joshua.

jeonghan reaches his arm around joshua, squeezing his ass through the cotton. he groans—not even surprised at this point, swatting his arm away.

“you,” joshua starts, “are a perv,” and decides to pinch jeonghan’s nipple through the two fabrics of his shirt and dress. the other one yelps.

jeonghan takes a step to the left, picking up a garment from the bed. the fabric is white, polyester-y, but then again, joshua doesn’t know much about fabrics.

“put it on,” jeonghan tells him, shoving it to joshua’s chest. the takes it in his hands, discovering that it’s a tennis skirt. all white, pleated and admittedly, quite basic—but it’s pretty.

joshua bites on his lower lip, unzipping the zipper on its side and lowering the skirt so he can step into it. the fabric is harsh and artificial, not all smooth or soft, against his skin as he does the zipper up. he assumes it should be ill fitted on his waist but it’s a bit loose, sitting uncomfortably on his body.

jeonghan looks at him appreciatively, nodding to himself and looking very proud.

“go see yourself,” he tells him, nodding towards the mirror propped against the wall between his wardrobe and bed, even though joshua has just the skirt on.

joshua does as he is told, walking to the mirror. he tries not to shiver from the chilly air of the room—it’s not cold there, not at all, but he’s also wearing only a skirt so it’s quite unpleasant.

joshua lets out a small noise when he looks himself in the mirror, it’s mostly interest. as he expected, the skirt does look a bit odd because there’s no smooth curve for the waistband to settle in. he smooths his hands over the fabric, black polish on his nails already chipped and looking sort of ugly.

“weird,” joshua mumbles then. jeonghan chuckles.

he glances at the other man, crossing his arms across his chest again. jeonghan picks something up from the bed, a small bundle of lace. it’s easy for joshua to draw the connections and yes, it’s indeed a bralette when jeonghan smooths out the fabric.

joshua feels a small wave of nervousness and hesitation pass by. the other one assumably notices it, walking to him and placing his hand on his shoulder. they’re about the same height so jeonghan has to lean down to prop his chin on joshua’s shoulder.

“you’ll look so nice,” he says softly. joshua takes a deep breath in—he isn’t exactly sure why he is nervous. he likes to think that he isn’t stuck on the binary norms of clothing anymore but something is making him a bit hesitant.

“i will,” joshua says, both to himself and jeonghan.

it’s not like joshua needs help in getting it on but jeonghan does it anyway. it looks kind of geometric—two soft cornered triangles and the hem a thick lace ribbon. the straps that go over his shoulders are thin spaghetti straps, settling over the dip of his bones.

joshua is quite convinced that he has seen girls going out like this during summer, just a skirt and a top almost in the same length as a crop top. it doesn’t look bad, all white against his tanned skin.

jeonghan places his palms on the stripe of skin between the bralette and the waistband of the skirt. joshua looks for his eyes in the mirror but his stare is fixated on joshua’s body, and he’s too caught up in the moment to even think about self consciousness.

joshua lifts his arm and then snorts.

“what a look,” he chuckles. dark brown hair of his armpit and white lace don’t really go together, an obvious clash of aesthetics.

jeonghan rubs his thumbs over the soft skin of his waist.

“mm,” he hums, “you can shave it off.”

joshua shakes his head after a while of thought.

“isn’t that just more work,” he says, “as if shaving my face isn’t annoying enough as it is.”

jeonghan laughs, letting go of his waist.

“yeah, it is,” he replies, letting the topic vanish into the air with that. jeonghan moves to pick up the last piece of clothing from the bed which is a light pink dress shirt. the shade of it is salmony, sort of faded, the fabric some kind of fake silk and shining under the lighting of the room.

“we’ll tuck this into your skirt,” jeonghan tells him, sliding the sleeves on joshua’s extended arms for him. joshua does the buttons up himself, but only the lower ones since jeonghan tells him to let it halfway unbuttoned so the lace is visible.

jeonghan tucks the shirt in for him, just because he likes touching joshua. both of them are quiet as he does it, sneaking his hand underneath the skirt to pull the hem of the shirt for it not to crease.

joshua looks at him in the mirror and tries to understand.

jeonghan leaves his side for a moment, getting something from his desk, and joshua just looks. he stares, studies, the way the fabric falls in smooth curves across his torso. his hands are slack by his sides, his posture straight.

jeonghan returns quickly enough. he reaches around joshua’s neck, placing a baby pink choker on his skin. it’s almost the same shade as the shirt, fabric similar as well. a thick ribbon, almost. he has a safety pin between his rosy lips.

joshua thinks the choker just emphasizes how thin his neck is, long and delicate. it feels still foreign to call some of his features with such adjectives but he can’t find himself fearing or despising it anymore.

jeonghan grabs the waistline of his skirt, pulling it backwards. joshua realizes that he’s tightening the skirt to fit better on his waist, doing it with the safety pin. then, after he has done that, jeonghan lets go and steps back.

joshua feels like he can finally breathe and isn’t able to, in the same time.

it’s the strangest of sensations. jeonghan looks at him through the mirror too, he can see that in the corner of his eye even though his own stare is on his own body as well. maybe in some other situation he would have found it self centered, narcissist, but now it feels different.

but joshua doesn’t feel much different, really, but it’s something. nothing groundbreaking, his world hasn’t turned around but—something.

it’s still him.

“you’re beautiful,” jeonghan mumbles. joshua snaps his gaze at him, almost startled. he isn’t sure if he has ever called him _beautiful_ and if he has, joshua can’t recall it in the moment:

“like you are, always. in sweaters and jeans too but,” jeonghan rambles, stepping closer to backhug him, “this shows off your body proportions, they’re so nice,” he trails off, awkwardly.

joshua lets out a breathless, relieved laugh. he places his hands on top of jeonghan’s where they are wrapped around his waist.

“i like it too,” he mumbles. joshua can’t say anything else, he doesn’t know what else to say, before he breathes out, “thank you.”

jeonghan laughs loudly and it’s too close to his ear so joshua cringes.

“no, thank you,” he laughs, “for this view.”

joshua rolls his eyes, full of adoration. he shuffles around in jeonghan’s arms so he can turn to face him, chest to chest.

joshua kisses him gently. jeonghan kisses back.

“can i line your eyes?” jeonghan asks, breath close to joshua’s lips. he has nothing to lose so he nods, black hair flopping around.

 

jeonghan sits joshua down to his chair, looking through his makeup pouch. he doesn’t even wear makeup that often, joshua thinks the reasoning for that is jeonghan’s laziness.

“i might mess this up,” jeonghan warns him, very similar to the nail polish time, “or blind you.”

joshua gasps, over exaggerated.

“please don’t blind me,” he says, looking up at the other one, hands folded in his lap. it feels odd to have the bare skin of his thighs brush against each other when he moves his legs. he also wonders whether it’d be freeing or uncomfortable to go commando with a skirt.

“i’ll try not to so do not worry,” jeonghan gives him a thumbs up, a black pen in his hand. he pulls the cork off, placing it on the table.

“look there,” jeonghan says and points to the left, “and a bit down.”

when the other one places his fingers on his right cheekbone, joshua starts holding his breath. he bites on his tongue to concentrate on not moving and causing jeonghan to poke him in the eye. it’s downright scary to have something sharp looking so close to his eyeball.

“you can breathe, you know,” jeonghan laughs, voice coming out sort of strained from concentration. joshua lets out an odd sound.

thankfully, jeonghan manages to apply the eyeliner without blinding him or doing any major fuckups. joshua is forced to get up again and walk to the mirror to see why jeonghan looks so delighted.

he doesn’t look drastically different but it is noticeable, at least to him. joshua’s eyes are wide and sharp anyway but the black wing in the corners of his eyes just emphasizes it.

“what do you think?” jeonghan asks, his phone in his hand.

“i—i like it,” joshua realizes. he really likes it.

his answer seems to please jeonghan who looks up from his screen with a grin.

“it looks good as fuck,” he states his opinion almost proudly. joshua laughs, feeling all warm. jeonghan looks at him with a thoughtful expression.

“you know what? light pink really suits you,” he tells him. joshua lets out a laugh that sounds a little dumbfounded.

“really?” he asks.

“hell yes. it’d suit you as a hair colour too,” jeonghan walks up to him, ruffling his hair. joshua almost swats his hand away for ruining his hairdo before realizing that he hasn’t even done his hair today.

joshua has thought about dyeing his hair, it’s something he has never done before. going straight to the colour of cotton candy sounds a bit too scary though—perhaps he should dye it blonde or light brown before that. joshua tells jeonghan this and the other one agrees.

“we can dye it together,” jeonghan says. joshua narrows his eyes.

“have you ever dyed anyone’s hair before?” he asks and jeonghan shakes his head.

“yeah, i thought so. a hairdresser is probably a better idea unless i wanna go bald,” joshua tells him. despite of his ego, jeonghan seems to agree.

 

after they have snapped a few mirror selfies—joshua’s idea—they sit down on jeonghan’s bed. it feels odd to sit there all dressed up and fancy, or at least it feels fancy to him.

“i’d wanna go out, show you off but,” jeonghan says, “i think the weather doesn’t agree.”

joshua turns to look out of the window. jeonghan is right, the weather is very gloomy. it had snowed some days ago but the snow has already melted, leaving the ground wet and gross. he grimaces.

“we can go to like grocery shopping to the corner store,” joshua jokes. jeonghan looks at him for a while.

“that’s actually a good idea,” he says. joshua shakes his head.

“no, it’s not,” he hurries, “i’ll freeze my ass off.”

“you can wear stockings,” jeonghan suggests. joshua sighs before accepting. it’s just a block away, he’ll live.

it’s not only the cold that makes him doubt it but his self confidence in a skirt. joshua knows jeonghan would never force him to do it if he were actually uncomfortable with it, and he could just say so and jeonghan would accept it with a smile.

but—if jeonghan can do it, can walk outside in whatever he feels like, so can joshua. the other one will probably hold his hand anyway. it’ll be fine.

so jeonghan gives him nude stockings, they get their coats and shoes on and leave.

 

their quick visit that takes less than fifteen minutes, turns out to be successful. joshua knows that some people did stare but when they did, jeonghan just squeezed his hand. no one said anything, no one yelled anything which joshua is grateful for—he knows that jeonghan has dealt with disgusting, awful comments and it makes joshua so horribly upset.

they return to jeonghan’s dorm room with snacks and carbonated drinks. joshua thinks he prefers this, sitting on jeonghan’s bed under a blanket and watching random youtube videos over going out and clubbing. they laugh loudly, unattractive and stupid. joshua has taken off the choker and safety pin from the skirt, the shirt untucked.

the same evening, jeonghan bends joshua over his desk and fucks him. joshua wears the skirt and bralette.

after that, the eyeliner has smeared and his—jeonghan’s—clothes are sweaty and gross, but joshua can’t find himself caring, not the slightest bit. barbie girl is stuck in his head; _life in plastic, it’s fantastic._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

joshua leans against jeonghan’s side on the couch they’re sitting on.

it’s another party, packed with people, loud and alive. the people throwing it, joshua isn’t sure who, have put effort to the decorations. there’s a colourful light on the ceiling, throwing splatters of red, blue, purple and green around the room.

perhaps the effort put into the appearance and aesthetic of the party is because their winter break has started, one of the last nights before people will leave to their homes for christmas and new year’s.

joshua is both looking forward to it and also a little doubtful. he loves his family, he really does, but it’s where his insecurities sprang from. joshua knows he will miss spending time with jeonghan as well.

but he tries not to think about it because he is with jeonghan right now, here in the present, laughing next to him to something soonyoung said.

joshua lifts his plastic cup, the sweet drink sloshing around in it. it’s a bit too strong for his taste, making his nose scrunch in disgust, but he swallows it anyway. he has never been good friends with alcohol even if he isn’t necessarily a lightweight, it just makes him physically ill too easily.

ever since jeonghan had put that fake silk choker on him more than a month ago, he had discovered his liking for them. joshua is wearing one right now, a black silk one. it’s matching with his shirt, black fake silk, a few top buttons undone so it shows his collarbones. he’s wearing high waisted jeans, too.

oh, and the choker is his own which makes joshua very, very pleased.

joshua has understood it, people don’t care enough to stop him from being happy. if someone throws nasty comments at him, at both him and jeonghan, it just proves that person is the smaller one.

joshua wants to be happy.

he thinks he is happy. joshua reaches for jeonghan’s hand, intertwining their fingers. he really likes holding hands with him, it’s easy and comforting even if their hands get a bit clammy at times. joshua never thought he’d compare anyone’s hands to home but—

joshua thinks he might love jeonghan. even if it’s a bit too soon, even if they might crash and burn, he thinks he could love him.

joshua smiles to himself.

“what are you smiling about?” jeonghan asks, voice hushed as he leans closer to almost whisper it to his ear. joshua chuckles.

“nothing, really,” he says, “i’m just feeling good.”

jeonghan grins at this.

“me too,” he says. joshua is about to answer with something but he gets interrupted when seokmin hollers his name. he turns his head to his direction where he is sitting on the floor in front of soonyoung’s legs.

“what?” joshua asks with laughter in his voice. his cheeks feel a bit warmer than before, body lighter and loosened up, and he knows it’s mostly because of the alcohol.

“will you come over on the new year’s?” seokmin asks, grinning widely. there’s sunshine on his face even though it’s eleven pm and the curtains are drawn. joshua laughs—what an absurd time to ask something like that.

“sure,” he answers. both of their family homes are in the same neighbourhood anyway, having grown up as friends. seokmin looks pleased with his answer so he doesn’t continue the conversation.

joshua turns back to jeonghan. he’s about to say something, again, but the way his lips look with cherry red gloss on them is just very distracting.

“your gloss is so pretty,” he ends up mumbling. jeonghan looks at him for while, cheekbones prominent with his smile.

“want some?” he asks and before joshua has a chance to say anything, jeonghan leans closer and pecks his lips. then it’s not a peck anymore but a kiss even when there’s no tongue or teeth.

“gave you some anyway,” jeonghan says after he leans away. joshua smacks his lips, he can feel some of his gloss on them, sticky and odd. it probably isn’t a very good look, it must be uneven and patchy but he doesn’t mind.

joshua sighs pleasedly, leaning his head on jeonghan’s shoulder. the fabric of his long sleeved crop top is soft against his cheek, jeonghan’s cologne and own personal smell is strong and overwhelming even through the smell of sweat and alcohol.

from there, joshua lets his gaze travel across the living room of the house where they’re in. it’s crowded but he can recognize a lot of the people there so it doesn’t feel as overwhelming as it could.

joshua can see junhui chatting to seungcheol. he didn’t even know that the two knew each other but it’s a small world, connecting friend groups and that stuff so it doesn’t surprise joshua.

scanning across the room, from one person to another, from a friend to acquaintance to stranger, his eyes end up on jeonghan, like always.

joshua squeezes his hand and jeonghan squeezes back even though he’s chatting with a guy named wonwoo, he thinks that’s his name.

joshua hides his smile behind his plastic cup. his lips taste like artificial cherries and coca cola mixed with vodka, and his head feels cloudy. he places his cup between his thighs and starts drawing small pictures on the fabric of jeonghan’s jeans with his fingertip. flowers, stars, hearts.

joshua hears and feels jeonghan laugh, the soft shake of his shoulder where his cheek is pressed against. he loves when jeonghan laughs,  his stupid and weird laugh, the way his straight teeth show. he wants to make him laugh, make him happy.

joshua draws three letters on his thigh, i, l and y, and hopes jeonghan understands.

**Author's Note:**

> like a wise man once said, word count doesnt matter if its a pile of garbage. (im the wise man. i said that.)  
> thanks for reading anyway!!! i hope u enjoyed, if u did, i always appreciate kudos & comments they make my day asdsdfghgf. my [twitter](https://twitter.com/minsgsol) if u wanna talk or idk scream ,, have the loveliest day!!


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